1heartbeat2themoon.blogspot.com
With that said, I will go ahead and get back to my journey…
MY INTRODUCTION
Is it possible to FEEL the words said to you? Would that be considered synesthesia, or would I just be considered weird for feeling this way?
I began to notice that I was becoming a hermit and staying away from others, fearing they would notice how ‘unique’ I was. Any time it was noticed, “unique” was not the word others tended to use. “Weird” is what always seemed to pass their lips instead.
I guess I must have made it more obvious than I thought.
I suppose I realized it the moment my mother let me know she felt it too. I cannot remember what I was saying to her, but I vividly remember the words she stopped me from mid-sentence, just to tell me. She let out a big sigh and said,
“Oh mija (my daughter), I feel so bad for you having to grow up in this world, because I just know that your head and your heart will make you live a very hard life!”
I had absolutely no idea what that meant at the time, but I do know now that she could not have been more right!
Had I written this before my mother passed away, you would be reading a whole different story. In losing my mother, my best friend, I gained insight into the truth about how my family veered so far off track from each other. As odd as our story was, it somehow managed to all come together to create me and my awkwardly curious mind.
I am “a diamond in the rough”! Made for greatness! I just have not quite discovered what that is yet… I am emotional sometimes…ok, most times, and highly over-sensitive. I have “heart” towards others, including those who I probably shouldn’t have.
I am sure I can think of a few people who would beg to differ on all the things I said about myself, which they are entitled to their own opinion of me, however in this case, you get to decide!
AFRAID OF NOTHING, BECAUSE I FEAR IT ALL!
I find it interesting how a person can believe that because they know things like what a person likes, does not like, their health, daily routines, and/or other personal information about that person, it means they know them well. That may be so, but I believe that no matter what we know about someone, there is always more to learn.
Anyone who knows me can tell you that I knew my mama better than anyone, but it wasn’t until I was an adult that I learned she listened to country music more often than I thought. Enough to know the words to a few songs I did not know she even knew. Even when she passed away, I found out from my son what her favorite song was.
I thought I knew this whole time just for my pre-teen to tell me that she told him what her favorite song was but to keep it a secret because no one would believe she even knew it. Not only did she know it, but she even knew who the artist was, and my son, who can’t even remember where he just put his shoes, remembered. He told us that it was their secret but had overheard us talking about what music to play at her viewing and he thought she would like to hear her favorite song one more time.
As for me, I wonder who would say that spiders are my biggest fear. They, of course, would be wrong.
To be honest, I am more curious as to how many people would know the right answer. Fact is, other than God’s judgement I fear, well, EVERYTHING!
I lost my husband, so I fear the loss of my children extremely!
I fear all the potential evil that may be surrounding me.
I fear crowds of people. It triggers my anxiety.
I fear my own imagination.
I fear abandonment and being unrequited!
I fear insanity!
I fear UNKNOWN!!!
At times, possibly even my own vulnerability.
Feeling as if others were only playing with my emotions, I became a scarce sight from the world around me. I wanted others to see me as a woman who had things sorted out and intact, but usually that wasn’t the case for me. I wonder if I am as unrequited as others make me feel at times. Why must I feel things so deeply?!
I bet you’re thinking that I must be out of my mind, but I assure you that I only seek understanding. I want to be the relatable form that helps others who may feel the same way I do. At the least, it does feel freeing to get this all out on paper.
Until I became a parent, I had always wondered why my parents forced me to interact with others. I get it now…my oldest is a lot like me, but again let me put my thoughts back on track, because that’s a whole different story, for a whole different day.
My summers were usually planned out for me by my parents until they finally divorced. I believe it was the summer of my 6th grade when they decided to make me meet the other kids in our neighborhood . Unsure why they felt the need to push for friends at that time, I assumed it was bc that year I had decided that I wanted to turn my bedroom into a library full of books. My mom wanted no part in it, but my dad went along with it, for me. We would pull out the newspaper and check for all the garage sales that people were having, then we would map them out in a big circle; starting left and working our way right back home.
I accomplished my goal by the way. So you see, at the time I didn’t really see a need to hang out with other people. They didn’t get me anyway. With my books, I fit in with every crowd. My dad would say,
“You’re going to read yourself right off of a cliff someday.”
Well, hasn’t happened so far, but hey, there’s still time.
I'm only joking!
I apologize for my lack of memory as to where I learned this from, but when I was younger, I used to call my sisters before going to visit them. When they answered, I would sing, “I’ll see you when I get there. If I ever get there!” They would begin to laugh because it sounds so whimsical and cute, but then the words would register and they would tell me, “awe, don’t say that!"
I’d return with, “I didn’t say that. I sang that!”
Maybe that’s what others meant when they called me weird. I guess that’s why I was so attracted to my boys' father. He was a 100% goof until the day he passed away.
For example, just a few days before he passed away, he told my cousin, “When I’m gone I don’t want you to cry at my service. I want you to listen to music, drink, laugh and throw a big party.” She said, “You do? Why?” He tells her, “That way when I am in Heaven looking down on all of you, I can lift my hands in the air and shout out ‘you guys, I was just joking’”.
I think she laughed and cried at the same time. When he said it and when he passed. I remember at his services, she hit me in the arm and said, “Dammit Deborah, why did he have to say that to me for?” I think after that we both laughed and cried at the same time.
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